I work in restaurants, so I generally cook differently at work than I do at home. That being said, sometimes I'm at home and I want to cook something that I am not particularly familiar with. I don't know the prep work that has to be done off the top of my head, the sauce proportions or exact ingredients, or a technique that one can utilize at home to get results similar to cooking in a restaurant. So I usually make the HUGE mistake of searching for ______________ recipe. We've all been there.
What comes up are a bazillion fucking blogs written by basic bitches telling us whimsical stories about why they made kung pao chicken for their husband because "he deserved it" or how they substituted X because their spawn is averse to an ingredient etc. Nobody fucking cares and nine out of ten times, their recipes fucking suck. It sucks that your kid is allergic to red food coloring, but we don't need to read three fucking paragraphs about it. Following these stupid recipes can be a huge waste of time for everyone involved and if one isn't used to the ups and downs and ins and outs and successes and failures of cooking - it can be very discouraging.
The number of times that I've wanted to correct wording, directions, ingredients, terminology etc. in these recipes is too much to count.
FOR EXAMPLE: Tonight I made caramel corn. The recipe did not seem right to me, but I put caution to the wind and used it anyway. I'm bored. It tastes fine, but it's a shit caramel that even felt wrong while I was making it. But what does one inevitably do when deciding to try the recipe? They get revved up by making the mistake of reading the comments and the RAVE reviews written by other basic bitches, so you tell yourself it MUST be fine. I should've taken note tonight when there was a question in the comments asking if you pop the popcorn before adding the caramel. I fucking kid you not.
I'm not sure this blog thing will ever be read by anyone, but I encourage questions and am happy to answer them. I will make fun of you if you ask something stupid. Don't get offended. Think of me as being kind of like Dorothy Zbornack (if you don't know that reference, you need to) when dealing with stupid questions.
What I strive to bring to the table is a straight forward, easy (not boxed shit easy), and tasty way to make meals for yourself or the people in your life. I want to start from the beginning. I want to introduce recipes that build technique and confidence that will make you a better cook. I want to stop you from using a million fucking dishes when you only need to use a cutting board, a couple pots/pans, utensils, and a knife to prepare the whole meal (obviously that's not always the case, but it certainly can be done and I do it all the time).
Guess what?
FIRST LESSON: You do not need to measure everything exactly when you cook. EVER. Baking is a bit fussier, but even still - people make a big deal out of something that people have been doing since before IKEA measuring cups ever fucking existed.
You won't read whimsical stories about my perfect family life here. I won't talk about my "SO" or whatever that stupid fucking abbreviation is that people use. Most cooking blogs are written by stay at home moms who have way too much time on their hands and actually LIKE doing tons of stupid shit in the kitchen to pass the time. (NO HATE, JUST LOVE). Who in the living FUCK would measure out 1 1/2 tablespoons?
I am not a writer. I write how I speak and that's that. I am a single gay man in his mid 30s, have an anxiety/panic attack problem, I used to be a huge, highly functional drunk (I can't drink alcohol anymore because I drank too much in my life to make the anxiety go away) and my liver did NOT like it. I will tell you that story one day. Dire times. But I did have fun while drinking. I basically time travelled around the world remembering bits and pieces of the countries I have visited. Oops.
Will I post recipes with alcohol in them? Absolutely.
Will I post gluten free recipes? Not on purpose.
Will I ever use vegan anything? Not on purpose.
Will I post vegetarian recipes? Sure, there are lots of great meat-free dishes.
Will I ever post a sous vide recipe? For the love of whatever is holy - NO.
Will I post recipes that will utilize basic ingredients *generally* found in one's home? Yup.
Will I go tell you to buy expensive cuts of meat? Absolutely not.
Will we bake? Sure!
Will we be working with fussy shit like micro greens? Absolutely not. Pain in the ass.
WILL I EVER POST NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION? Go fuck yourself. No.
There is one thing I do not cook with and that would be tree nuts. I am deathly allergic to them and they aren't even allowed in my house. But I'm TRULY allergic, it's not a preference - last time I accidentally ate nuts I was hospitalized and then on drugs to suppress my immune system for two weeks after the reaction. But, if it comes to me while sharing a recipe, I'll let you know that you could include them should you want to. It's cooking! It's not hard.
I'll show you.
Love you, mean it.
Cody
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